Please let your sister make her own choices. If she feels like her relationship with your mom is toxic, she’s allowed to stay away. She can opt not to show up.
You can also support her in this without changing your own relationship with your mom.
A speech you might make to her, especially before the holidays is: “While I don’t understand what happened here, I know that everyone’s relationships with Mom are different. Mine might be easier. I’m sorry yours is so complicated. I support your need to be healthy, and if you can’t deal with Mom, I’ll accept that. But please understand that she is still important to me. Let me know how I can make this easier for you, and I’ll do my best. I also hope you can do your best to understand my needs, so we preserve our relationship – which is important to me, too.”
My disclaimer here: I say all of this as someone who had a mild estrangement with a parent for many years (now I think he’s great). My sister set a wonderful example by telling me, “Do whatever you want. I love him. I love you. We’ll work around it.” There was never pressure to “get over it,” and I never objected to her closeness with him because she gave me so much respect. My sister made it clear that she cared about me, regardless of my choices. That made it easier. It also made it possible for everyone to forgive (eventually) and have a good time.
You and your sisters aren’t a three-headed entity. Your relationships with your Mom aren’t from a storybook, and the truth might be messier than you’d like. It’s not your job to fix anything.
Of course, I’m not a therapist. You might want to go to one to talk about family dynamics, and how to be flexible as everyone gets older.
– Meredith
Readers? Help with some family issues. How do you accept a sibling’s estrangement with a parent? How do you tell them what you need?
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