My mom, who died in 2013, once told me it takes a year to feel normal after the loss of a parent.
It was a sweeping statement that doesn’t apply to everyone, but she said it after her dad died, and I thought about it a lot after she died.
I don’t believe anything magical happens after a year. I only bring it up because you’re experiencing great grief, and it’s still new. You’re not even a year into life without your mom.
You might benefit from a support group. Those gatherings can be so helpful, and you’ll meet others going through it. Perhaps you can discuss the resentment.
You can also tell your husband that you’re having a tough time right now, and that you’re looking for a way to stay connected to your family without getting lost in his. Maybe the two of you can visit out-of-state cousins who knew your mom. Perhaps you and your husband can take a trip and see a place that represents your parents’ history.
I don’t know if your resentment has to do with a lack of empathy on his part. Maybe you believe he isn’t showing you enough care. If that’s the case, tell him what you need. Most people aren’t great at guessing.
I wish your husband had written in because I’d have some advice for him. I’d tell him to be curious – to ask about your mom. I’d advise him to make nice dinners and give you time to rest.
But he can’t fix all of it, no matter what he does. You have to sit with your grief.
May 9th was the 13th anniversary of my mom’s death. I’m not big on death anniversaries; they don’t bother me. But I do have private moments where I celebrate my mom by playing a Sting song she used to blast in our old house in Maryland. Incidentally, it’s a song that happens to be about loss.
My significant other isn’t around when I play this one loud. Neither is the anyone else from my family. It’s just for my mom and me.
It might be nice to have some rituals for yourself.
– Meredith
Readers? Thoughts on losing parents before a partner loses theirs? Can grief turn into resentment? Have you experienced this kind of feeling toward a spouse?
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