President Donald Trump has invited a panel of dignitaries from across the sports and business worlds to the White House next week for a roundtable addressing the future of college sports.
The reported invitees span former Alabama coach Nick Saban to NCAA president Charlie Baker to NBA commissioner Adam Silver to, um, Tiger Woods. There will be conference commissioners, university presidents and athletic directors, TV executives and private equity magnates — pretty much every logical voice imaginable save for a single current college athlete. (As of this writing.)
A friend of a friend of a cousin of mine caught wind that the group held a secret brainstorming session last week in hopes of impressing the president. The source provided me with a partial transcript of the meeting, which took place at Saban’s lakeside VRBO rental.
Saban: “As your host, I have some rules.”
Baker: “Good luck enforcing those rules if one of your guests finds the right judge.”
Silver: “I really need you guys to figure out that eligibility stuff before my entire league goes back to college.”
ACC commissioner Jim Phillips: “Adam, could I talk to you after this about tanking? We’re going through that right now with Florida State.”
SEC commissioner Greg Sankey: “Guys, we really need to do something about NIL. If we continue on the current path, there will be schools in my league that have to choose between funding their women’s sports teams or a $50 million buyout to fire Brian Kelly.”
Big Ten commissioner Tony Petitti: “I don’t know why you’re bothering to ask these people for ideas when you and I are just going to head to dinner after this and decide for them.”
Texas Tech booster Cody Campbell: “The solution is so simple, guys. No more conference-by-conference TV contracts. We pool all our rights, the networks lose all their leverage, and everyone gets a big fat check.”
Fox Sports CEO Eric Shanks: “Yes, by all means, do that. Hope you enjoy every Texas Tech game airing at 2:30 a.m. on FS2.”
Saban: “You guys are focused on the wrong thing. The transfer portal is our biggest issue. Guys aren’t staying at one school long enough to develop.”
Indiana athletic director Scott Dolson: “You sure about that? The portal guys at my school developed nicely enough to beat the guys at your former school 38-3.”
Former North Carolina coach Mack Brown: “But you can’t turn over an entire roster in one year and expect to compete. Like when I got fired for going 6-6, and the schlub they brought in to replace me thought Gio Lopez was the next Drake Maye.”
Pro sports owner/investor David Blitzer: “Look, I own teams in five different pro leagues, and none of them have unlimited free agency. That’s just dumb. Who the heck let that happen?”
Baker: “The judge in West Virginia.”
New York Yankees president Randy Levine: “And let me get this straight: Teams negotiate deals with players from other teams smack dab in the middle of the season? Can we get that in baseball?”
Baker: “Ask the judge in Tennessee.”
Big 12 commissioner Brett Yormark: “See, this is why we need an antitrust exemption, so we stop getting sued all the time. That’s why the Big 12 is strongly urging Congress to pass the SCORE Act.”
Campbell: “Except I’m the chairman of the board at a Big 12 university and I’ve written op-eds opposing the SCORE Act. I’m also anti-College Sports Commission, and anything else that prevents us from buying first-round D-linemen.”
(Note: Woods’ part is AI-augmented.)
Pro golfer Tiger Woods: “Hello, everyone. I have no idea why I’m here, either, but I did major in economics at Stanford, and I think I’ve identified the underlying problem: See, you’re operating a multibillion-dollar commercial enterprise while still maintaining a monopsonistic labor market. You keep trying to suppress the athletes’ wages to well below MRP, because you say you need the surplus profit to fund the cross country team, but then you turn around and spend most of the delta on your own salaries.
“You took a step toward rebalancing that dynamic with the advent of revenue-sharing, but there’s still a lot of cognitive dissonance in insisting those contracts are merely licensing agreements for their NIL rights, when we all know they’re pay-for-play deals. But of course, when Duke’s quarterback breaks the contract early to transfer to Miami, then you insist that the agreement bound him to the school like a pro player to his franchise.
“You’ve created a hybridized economy where the tension between treating the athletes as commercial assets while still insisting they’re merely ‘student-athletes’ cannot be sustained in a healthy and meaningful way.”
(Blank stares throughout the room.)
Private equity executive Gerry Cardinale: “I think he’s trying to say you need to admit the athletes are employees.”
Every university president and/or chancellor in attendance: “Absolutely not! If athletes are considered employees, then they could be terminated like employees, which of course never, ever happens now. Why would any of them want that?”
1993 Heisman Trophy winner Charlie Ward: “Good question. Maybe we could ask some of them?”
(Rabid laughter throughout the room.)
Sankey: “Just a friendly reminder: If the athletes become employees, we are all going to have to start staying at Motel 6s when we travel. … er, I mean we’ll have to cut sports.”
Tennessee chancellor Donde Plowman: “You know, my athletic director, Danny White, recently became the first of his peers to advocate for collective bargaining. Instead of sitting around and hoping Congress throws us a life preserver, maybe we just go ahead and do that?”
Notre Dame athletic director Pete Bevacqua: “Sure. Just don’t tell the Pop-Tarts Bowl folks we’re going to let the athletes decide more things for themselves.”
Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis: “Well, it looks like we’ve got our work cut out. But I’m sure the president will appreciate getting to hear all these great ideas.”
Petitti: “Just wait until he hears some of my great ideas for expanding the College Football Playoff!”
