I was married for seven years to a wonderful man, a man who made me feel safe, loved, and cared for every day. Sure, we argued, but we got over it. We talked things through. Our sex life? Non-existent.
The first two years were amazing and then it just stopped. A few days became weeks, then months, and then finally years. He wouldn’t talk to me about it or answer my questions. I eventually shut down completely and let the resentment build. I know he still loved me and I felt it in other ways besides sexual intimacy.
Long story short, we are now divorced as of two years ago. We both still love each other, deeply. It has been so difficult. I’m the one who left and yet I couldn’t bring myself to file the paperwork. He was the one to finally pull that trigger. It’s been traumatic, heart wrenching, and painful. We still talk regularly but it’s different. It’s brief. It’s small talk. He has wanted to get back together and while I have been tempted, I have found that I actually really like myself and can be OK without him, no matter how much I love and miss him.
The lack of intimacy was a game changer. I know that it was bound to slow down over the years, but to disappear completely was so painful for me. I felt unseen, but not unloved. I know he loved me.
What does it say about me when I’m tempted to go back to my old life? I don’t know that anyone can love me like he did or if I can love someone as much as I do him. And at the same time, I have proven I can be OK. But is it OK to be OK? I feel guilty for being OK when he tells me repeatedly how unhappy he is without me. Any guidance?
– OK
